Naruto in: THERAPY!
by ellie216
Summary: I am SOO sorry I accidentally deleted this! DX Summary: I bring various Naruto characters in for therapy. God knows they need it. DON'T LET ME DIE!
1. Uchiha Sasuke

Hey folks! No worries- I'm not dead! I've just been REALLY busy. But, I WILL update Taisho Sakura soon! Be patient for just a LITTLE bit longer! Now, time to read: Naruto in Therapy!

I don't own Naruto. ^^

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PART ONE: UCHIHA SASUKE

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(Sasuke enters a therapists office, sits on sofa. I'm behind the desk)

Ellie: Hello, Sasuke.

Sasuke: Hn. Why am I here?

Ellie: Because Tsunade said you needed therapy. That's why you're here.

Sasuke: Whatever.

Ellie: Let's start with a word association test. I'll say a word, and you say the first word that comes to mind. Shall we begin?

Sasuke: Whatever.

Ellie: Weasel.

Sasuke: Death.

Ellie: I see. (writes) Love.

Sasuke: Betrayal.

Ellie: (writes) Orange.

Sasuke: Loser.

Ellie: (writes) Pink.

Sasuke: Annoying.

Ellie: (writes) Sharingan.

Sasuke: Strength.

Ellie: (writes) Orochimaru.

Sasuke: Power.

Ellie: (writes) Yuri.

Sasuke: Gross.

Ellie: (surprised, writes) Avenger.

Sasuke: Me.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now, for the ink blots.

Sasuke: Ink blots?

Ellie: I'll show you an ink blot, and you tell me what you see. Got it?

Sasuke: (nods)

Ellie: (pulls out a pile of paper, pulls one out) What do you see?  
Sasuke: Uchiha clan symbol.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Sasuke: Sharingan.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Sasuke: Curse seal on my shoulder.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Sasuke: Itachi's face.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Sasuke: Konoha symbol.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Sasuke: Akatsuki cloud.

Ellie: (writes)

Sasuke: So? Am I done?  
Ellie: Not yet. There's one last thing I have to do.

Sasuke: And that is?  
Ellie: I'm going to ask you several questions. Answer them truthfully.

Sasuke: Hn. Just get it over with.

Ellie: The night of the massacre, Itachi told you he killed them to test his capability. Did you believe him?

Sasuke: No. I believed that he did it because he hated the family.

Ellie: (writes) When you left Konoha to go to Orochimaru, did you go to protect the village?  
Sasuke: No. I went to get stronger to kill my brother.

Ellie: (writes) When you saw Naruto and Sakura for the first time after two and a half years, you told Naruto you spared his life on a whim. Was that the truth?  
Sasuke: No. I had a reason.

Ellie: (writes) Explain.

Sasuke: I didn't kill him because I didn't want to be like my big b- Itachi.

Ellie: (smirks, writes) After learning the truth about the massacre, did you feel bad for killing Itachi?

Sasuke: …A small bit.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Well, Sasuke, I think I have the analysis done. Would you like to hear it?

Sasuke: Hn. Sure.

Ellie: (looks at notes, nods once, looks at Sasuke) You badly wanted to kill your brother, but you felt your teammates held you back. You believe that the Sharingan and Orochimaru made you strong, and depict yourself as avenger. Am I right so far?

Sasuke: (nods)

Ellie: You're also gay.

Sasuke: Huh?  
Ellie: 99% of males your age find yuri, and I'm quoting them, "hot."

Sasuke: And the remaining 1%?  
Ellie: They're gay.

Sasuke: I'm NOT gay.

Ellie: (doesn't believe him) Sure, sure. Now, you truly love your clan, and you still think of your brother even after his death. Perhaps your way of mourning him. You also believe Konoha and Akatsuki have the same goals- Control.

Sasuke: I don't mourn his death.

Ellie: You thought Itachi hated the family, even though he always put the clans goals before his own. You left the village for power so you could kill him, and almost killed Naruto to gain your Mangekyo Sharingan. However, you refused to kill Naruto because you didn't want to be like Itachi. You also admitted to feeling bad after Itachi's death. You still think of Itachi as your brother, as you almost addressed him as such. Oh, and I have some independent theories about you. Would you like to hear them?  
Sasuke: Go for it.  
Ellie: (takes deep breath) You're an ASSHOLE for abandoning the girl that loved you, you're an EMO-BITCH, you think everyone's out to get you, and you team up with a psychopath, a water-dude, and a slut/whore! And you compared them with your old team! Sakura and Karin are NOTHING alike! Not to mention the fact the only thing you ever frigging said to Sakura was that she was 'annoying' and that you didn't like her, and then you had the nerve to THANK HER, KNOCK HER OUT, AND LEAVE HER ON A BENCH! She could've been RAPED or KILLED, you BASTARD!

Sasuke: I thought you therapists were supposed to be calm…

Ellie: DO I LOOK CALM TO YOU?! (clearly pissed off)

Sasuke: No.  
Ellie: RHETORICAL QUESTION, DUMBASS!

Sasuke: Oh…

Ellie: DIE! (brings out a chainsaw, flamethrower, grenade launcher, and a drunken Lee)

Sasuke: Oh shit. (runs)

Ellie: AFTER HIM! (chases, dragging Lee after me)

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Reviews make me happy. Reviews help me decide who to do next. Review! ^^


	2. TenTen

Welcome to the next installment of the 'Naruto in: Therapy?!' series. First chapter featured Sasuke. Let's see how he is, shall we? (cuts to video of Sasuke getting the shit beat out of him by myself and a drunk Lee) Oh…right…I beat him up. Well, let's see how he is in the hospital! (cuts to live video of Sasuke in a hospital, with casts on both arms) Hey there, Sasuke!

Sasuke: (eyes widen) STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

(sighs) Third time this has happened…oh well! I don't own Naruto!

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PART TWO: TEN-TEN

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(Ten-Ten enters office, I'm seated at the desk. Ten-Ten sits on the sofa)

Ellie: Hello, Ten-Ten.

Ten-Ten: Hi.

Ellie: Do you know why you're here, Ten-Ten?  
Ten-Ten: Tsunade-sama said it was mandatory for all shinobi.

Ellie: Right. Now, shall we begin?  
Ten-Ten: Sure!

Ellie: Let's do a word association test, first. I'll say a word, you say the first thing that comes to mind.

Ten-Ten: Okay.

Ellie: White.

Ten-Ten: Byakugan.

Ellie: (writes) Green.

Ten-Ten: (shivers) Spandex.

Ellie: (writes) Ninja.

Ten-Ten: Weapons.

Ellie: (writes) Family.

Ten-Ten: …None.

Ellie: (writes) Yaoi.

Ten-Ten: Hot.

Ellie: (writes) Konoha.

Ten-Ten: Strength.

Ellie: (writes) Buns.

Ten-Ten: Hair.

Ellie: (writes) Sharp.

Ten-Ten: Senbon.

Ellie: (writes) Dangerous.

Ten-Ten: Katana.

Ellie: (writes) Spin.

Ten-Ten: Shuriken.

Ellie: (writes) Shine.

Ten-Ten: Kunai.

Ellie: (writes) Crops.

Ten-Ten: Scythe.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now, for the ink blots.

Ten-Ten: Bring it on.

Ellie: Just tell me what you see, okay?  
Ten-Ten: Got it! (smiles)

Ellie: (pulls out a pile of paper, pulls one out) What do you see?  
Ten-Ten: Katana.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Kunai.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Shuriken.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Kunai.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Senbon.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Scythe.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Spear.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Ten-Ten: Crossbow.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now, for the questions. Answer truthfully, please.

Ten-Ten: Okay.

Ellie: When you first met Lee, Neji, and Gai, what were your thoughts?  
Ten-Ten: I thought I was screwed. Gai-sensei was none for being, well…nuts. Neji was pretty much an ice cube, and Lee was…nothing like he is now. But, as I got to know them, I grew to really care about them.

Ellie: (writes) How does it feel to have no idea who your family is?  
Ten-Ten: …

Ellie: Ten-Ten, answer the question.

Ten-Ten: It…It hurts. I have no idea what clan I'm from, or what happened to my family, or even if I have any family left. (tears in her eyes) I just wanna know who I am. (starts crying)

Ellie: (gives Ten-Ten a tissue, writes)

Ten-Ten: Thanks. (wipes eyes)

Ellie: Ready to continue?  
Ten-Ten: Yeah.

Ellie: What's it like being the 'Weapon's Mistress of Konoha'? I bet it's a lot of pressure.

Ten-Ten: Well, I'm always the one people turn to for weapons advice. Just this morning, I helped Naruto decide if stainless steel kunai or non-stick steel kunai were a better ninja tool.

Ellie: (writes) And which is better?  
Ten-Ten: Stainless won't get stained with blood, but non-stick has the blood just slide off, no stains. Stainless needs to be cleaned often, while non-stick can go a week without cleaning.

Ellie: Last question, Ten-Ten. As a kunoichi, you learned how long hair could be a potential trap, correct?  
Ten-Ten: Yup. I don't know why Ino keeps hers so long…it's bound to bite her on the ass someday.

Ellie: My question is…Why do you have your hair in buns all the time?  
Ten-Ten: It stays out of my eyes. It's kinda my trademark, along with my use of multiple weapons.

Ellie: Are they real?  
Ten-Ten: Huh?  
Ellie: The buns. Are they real, or can you clip them on and off?

Ten-Ten: They're real. (tugs at a bun) They do NOT come off unless I untie them.

Ellie: (nods, writes)

Ellie: I have the analysis, Ten-Ten. Would you like to hear it?  
Ten-Ten: Sure. (mutters) This should be good.

Ellie: (reads over notes, looks at Ten-Ten) You feel immense pressure as the Weapons Mistress of Konoha, and it sometimes pisses you off. You have OCD, and you have a short fuse. You care about your teammate Neji, as you immediately associated the color white with his Byakugan. You have a fear/hatred of green spandex, due to your sensei and other teammate. You care deeply about your weapons, and your greatest dream is to find out who you are. Am I right?  
Ten-Ten: Yeah…that sounds like me.

Ellie: I also have some independent theories. Mind if I say them?  
Ten-Ten: Not at all.

Ellie: You're one of the strongest of all the kunoichi in Konoha, but you refuse to admit it. You don't like to brag, but you don't mind showing off your weapon skills. Also, you're deeply in love with Hyuuga Neji, as he was the first member of your team you thought of.

Ten-Ten: (blushes) I do NOT love Neji.

Ellie: (sarcastically) Sure you don't.

Ten-Ten: I DON'T LOVE NEJI!

Ellie: Uh-huh…sure you don't (sarcastic).

Ellie: Well, I have a surprise for you, Ten-Ten. From your last hospital trip, we used your blood to track down your family.

Ten-Ten: (surprised) W-What?

Ellie: (nods) Would you like to know?  
Ten-Ten: HELL YES!  
Ellie: (smiles) Your father is…

Ten-Ten: (nervous)

Ellie: Umino Iruka.

Ten-Ten: HUH?!

Ellie: That's not all, Ten-Ten. Your mother is…

Ten-Ten: (worried)  
Ellie: Mitarashi Anko.

Ten-Ten: … (faints)

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Another "session" done! R&R! Reviews help me decide who to do next!


	3. Maito Gai

Welcome back to Naruto in: Therapy?! I'm, obviously, the therapist, ellie216! Last time, we had Ten-Ten come in. We learned a few things about her, and found her real parents. Let's see what's going on. (Cuts to live video of Ten-Ten, Iruka, and Anko hanging at a dango place) How sweet! And now, let's see how Sasuke is recovering! (cuts to live feed of Sasuke STILL in hospital, arms still in casts) Yeah…not so well. Now, I don't own Naruto, but I wish I did! ASUMA WOULDN'T HAVE DIED!

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PART THREE: MAITO GAI

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(Gai comes in, sits on sofa. I'm at the desk)  
Ellie: Hello, Gai.

Gai: Greetings!

Ellie: Are you ready to begin?  
Gai: Yes!

Ellie: Let's start with some word association. I'll say a word, you tell me the first thing that comes to mind.

Gai: Understood!

Ellie: Life.

Gai: YOUTH!

Ellie: (writes) Teamwork.

Gai: Friendship!

Ellie: (writes) Student.

Gai: LEE!

Ellie: (writes) Spandex.

Gai: YOUTHFULLNESS!

Ellie: (writes) Turtles.

Gai: Defense!

Ellie: (writes) Bowl-cut.

Gai: LEE!

Ellie: (writes) Speed.

Gai: Weights!

Ellie: (writes) Competition.

Gai: KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL!

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now for the ink blots. Just tell me what you see.

Gai: Understood!

Ellie: (pulls out a pile of paper, pulls one out) What do you see?  
Gai: Green spandex jumpsuit!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Gai: KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Gai: Konoha symbol!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Gai: ETERNAL FIRE OF YOUTH!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Gai: LEE!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Gai: Orange legwarmers!

Ellie: (writes, rubs temples) I'm gonna need an aspirin…or a medic…

Ellie: Now, for the question segment. Answer truthfully, Gai.

Gai: I never lie!

Ellie: (nods) When did you and Kakashi become rivals, and why?

Gai: Kakashi and I became rivals when we became chunin. He believed his prodigy status made him a better shinobi than me, but I swore an oath to defeat him and prove him wrong! That is how we became rivals.

Ellie: (writes) During the chunin exams before Sasuke left, during Lee's match with Gaara, what did you think when Gaara almost killed Lee?

Gai: …

Ellie: Gai, answer the question.

Gai: Lee is…my favorite student. He resembles me, and wants to prove himself a powerful shinobi. When Gaara almost killed Lee, the only thing I thought was 'Not him.' Next thing I knew, I was on the floor blocking Gaara's attack.

Ellie: (writes) Do you support the hypothesis that training hard and strong determination could overcome a kekkai genkai like the Byakugan and Sharingan?  
Gai: ABSOLUTELY! I actually wrote a book about it, called 'Defeating One's Rival- Overcoming Your Limits.'

Ellie: (surprised, writes) And how is the book?  
Gai: Very good! I have sold three copies!  
Ellie: (sweatdrop) Only three?  
Gai: Lee bought one, Naruto bought one, and I kept one.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Alright, the analysis is complete. Would you like to hear it?

Gai: Absolutely!

Ellie: (checks over notes, looks at Gai) You believe that, if someone is strong enough, they can overcome any obstacle. You strongly believe in 'youth' and 'eternal rivalry,' and you care about your students.

Gai: (nods)

Ellie: You have OCD.

Gai: Huh?  
Ellie: You are obsessed with beating Kakashi, youth, spandex, your student Rock Lee, and rivalry. I have only one independent theory. Interested?  
Gai: Yes.  
Ellie: You have pedophilic urges towards your favorite student, your protégée, Rock Lee. The second I mentioned 'student' and 'bowl-cut,' you immediately said 'Lee.' I strongly suggest you get some mental help.

Gai: I DO NOT LOVE LEE LIKE THAT!

Ellie: You admit you love him?  
Gai: AS A SON!  
Ellie: A son? How so?  
Gai: BECAUSE HE IS MY SON!  
Ellie: I KNEW IT! (victory dance)

Gai: (pales) W-Wait…I mean…

Ellie: I recorded this, Gai. I will be showing this to Lee when he comes for his session.

Gai: …

Ellie: Gai?  
Gai: …

Ellie: It appears he went into shock. (sighs, gets out from behind desk, goes to door, pokes head out) Could SOMEBODY get me a medic? (rubs temples, groans) And some aspirin would be nice.

Gai: …

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…I swear, I think I was high when I wrote this. But, since I don't do drugs –HUGS, NOT DRUGS- that means I was perfectly sane when I wrote this. Anyway, R&R and let me know who to do next!


	4. Inuzuka Kiba

Welcome, once more, to Naruto in: Therapy?! If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm ellie216, the therapist! Last time, we had Maito Gai in here. He told us that Lee, his favorite student, is actually his SON! After he realized what he had said, Gai went into shock. He is currently at the hospital, along with Lee, who over-worked himself after finding out Gai was in the hospital. Doctors say Gai is in a self-induced coma. I feel kinda responsible…BUT NOW I'M OVER IT! Before Gai, we had Ten-Ten come in and found her parents for her. The Mitarashi family- Anko and Iruka were married a few days ago, and Anko refused to change her last name, so Iruka changed his- is currently living together happily. And, let's see if Sasuke is FINALLY out of the hospital! (Cuts to live video feed of Sasuke STILL in the hospital, this time with arm AND leg casts) Sasuke, what did you do now?  
Sasuke: …Fangirls….

Ooh…harsh. Oh well! I don't own Naruto! If I did, Orochimaru (cough-Michael Jackson-cough) would be dead!

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PART FOUR: INUZUKA KIBA

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(Kiba walks in, sits on the couch. Akamaru walks in, sits at Kiba's feet. I'm behind the desk)

Ellie: Hello, Kiba, Akamaru.

Akamaru: Bark!

Kiba: Yo. Why are we here again?

Ellie: Therapy, at Tsunade-sama's suggestion.

Kiba: Damn.

Akamaru: Bark! Bark! Bark!

Ellie: I don't speak dog.

Kiba: He said: "Let's get this over with."

Ellie: Let's start with word association. Kiba, when I say a word, you tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Akamaru, you won't be participating. Ready?

Kiba: Ready.

Ellie: Home.

Kiba: Leaf.

Ellie: (writes) Bone.

Kiba: Dog.

Ellie: (writes) Fang.

Kiba: Dog.

Ellie: (writes) Clan.

Kiba: Dog.

Ellie: (writes) Partner.

Kiba: Akamaru.

Akamaru: Bark!

Ellie: (writes) Flower.

Kiba: Sister.

Ellie: (writes) Loyalty.

Kiba: Do- no, wait a sec…yeah, Dog.

Ellie: (sweatdrop, writes) Yuri.

Kiba: HOT! (wolf whistles)

Ellie: (sighs, writes) Yaoi.

Kiba: GROSS!

Ellie: (writes) Trust.

Kiba: Friends.

Ellie: (writes) Fight.

Kiba: Life.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now for the ink-blots. I'll show you an ink-blot; you tell me what you see.

Kiba: Bring it.

Ellie: (pulls out a stack of papers, holds up one) What do you see?  
Kiba: Akamaru.

Akamaru: Bark!

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Leaf symbol.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Inuzuka clan symbol.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: BONE!

Ellie: (sweatdrop, writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Hinata.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: My team.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Akamaru.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Doghouse.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Fire hydrant.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: My sister, Hana.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: A dog.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Akamaru.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Frisbee!

Akamaru: Bark!

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: CAT! (growls)

Ellie: (sighs, writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Bird…tasty looking one, too.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Kunai.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Kiba: Akamaru.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: I have some questions to ask you now, Kiba. Please, answer truthfully.

Kiba: Got it.

Ellie: When did you first get Akamaru?

Kiba: I got him when I was about nine years old. All members of the Inuzuka clan get their ninken at a young age so they form a bond.

Ellie: (writes) Do you and Akamaru always see eye to eye?

Kiba: Mostly, we do.

Akamaru: Bark!

Kiba: Oh yeah! That one time, when we fought Sakon and his brother Ukon, Akamaru wanted to use a technique we hadn't perfected yet. I didn't want to, because it was too risky, and Akamaru bit me. That was the only time Akamaru bit me.

Ellie: (writes) Have you ever found yourself ACTING like a dog?

Kiba: A couple of times. The most recent one, though, was kinda weird.

Ellie: (writes) Can you explain?

Kiba: (nods) It was on a mission, just me and Akamaru. I saw this cat come out of nowhere, and I started barking and chased after it on all fours. Not long later, I went to the bathroom like a dog. And then I ATE like a dog. But, it felt natural.

Ellie: …Too much information. (writes) Do your friends think of you and Akamaru being too…similar?

Kiba: Too similar? Well, sometimes, just to piss me off, Naruto will throw a stick and yell "Fetch" at me. And I always, ALWAYS, go after the stick. It's fun!

Ellie: (writes) Kiba, I have a question for Akamaru. Would you mind translating for me?  
Kiba: Not at all.

Akamaru: Woof?

Ellie: Akamaru, could you describe your relationship with Kiba?

Akamaru: (nods, starts barking and woofing)

Kiba: (nods, nods)

Ellie: What did he say?

Kiba: He said: "I think of Kiba as an older brother. No matter what, we're always there for each other. Kiba's been protecting and working with me since I was a pup. No matter what, he's always been there for me. He's my perfect partner, my other half." Aw, Akamaru! I feel the same way! (hugs Akamaru)

Ellie: (writes, nodding)

Ellie: Well, I'm ready with the analysis, Are you ready, Kiba?

Kiba: Bring it on!

Ellie: (looks over my notes, looks at Kiba) You're extremely loyal to both Konoha AND Akamaru. You associate flowers with your sister, and you have dog-like thoughts at times. Akamaru popped up four times throughout the tests, showing you and Akamaru have a strong bond. You find yourself acting like a dog at times, and you said it felt 'natural'.

Kiba: (Nods)

Ellie: Kiba, I believe you have an identity crisis.

Kiba: Huh?

Ellie: (sighs) Kiba, you think you're a dog.

Kiba: (scratches myself behind the ear with my foot) I AM a dog.

Ellie: (brings out a dog treat)

Kiba: (leaps over, begs for the treat)  
Akamaru: (does what Kiba did)

Ellie: (breaks treat in half, gives Kiba and Akamaru a piece each) As for my independent theory…You also have feelings for your teammate.

Kiba: Which one?

Ellie: Hinata.

Kiba: (bright red) I DO NOT!  
Ellie: That's why you didn't like Naruto, because you knew Hinata liked him in a way she didn't like you.

Kiba: SHUT UP! (brighter red)

Ellie: You KNOW I'm right.

Kiba: I DO NOT!

Ellie: You have to have feelings for SOMEONE.

Kiba: I don't! Not for anyone but Hinata! (covers my mouth)

Ellie: HA! I KNEW IT! (victory dance)

Kiba: S-SHUT UP!

Ellie: I'm afraid I can't do that. (stops dancing)

Kiba: Akamaru! Gatsuuga!

Akamaru: Arf! (transforms into Kiba)

Ellie: Oh…SHIT! (runs away)

Kiba: GATSUUGA! (spins at high speed, chases after Ellie)

Akamaru: (same as Kiba)

Ellie: TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE NARUTO IN: THERAPY?! BYE~! (running for my life)

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Will I make it out alive? Find out next time on Naruto in: Therapy?! R&R, please! I need IDEAS! . Don't make me pull a Kiba and BEG! Crap, here they come again! BYE! (running)

Kiba: GET BACK HERE!


	5. Orochimaru

Sorry I haven't updated for so long! I've been really distracted lately. I'm amazed no one's flamed me for not updating. Anyway, I really am sorry. Please, forgive me! (bows)

Anyway, last time, Kiba and Akamaru came in. I convinced Kiba to admit his feelings for Hinata, and I was almost killed. Luckily for me, I ran into Shikamaru, who saved me from Kiba. Now, a lot of people have been asking me to do Sakura or Shikamaru or Lee. However, I promised a friend I'd do a special one just for her. XD Now, before Kiba was Gai, who is STILL in shock after admitting Lee was his son. Ten-Ten is getting along well with her new family, and Sasuke is now OUT of the hospital. Hopefully, the fangirls won't hunt him down.

I don't own Naruto. If I did, Ino would've committed suicide before Shippuden. I HATE INO AND KARIN!

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PART FIVE: OROCHIMARU

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(Orochimaru walks into the office, sits on the couch. I'm at the desk, contemplating of calling security on his pedophilic ass)

Ellie: Hello, Orochimaru.

Orochimaru: That's Orochimaru-sama, girl. Why am I even here? Tsunade has no power over me.

Ellie: Two words, buddy- chakra emasculation.

Orochimaru: (scared shitless) So…time for therapy?

Ellie: Let's start with the classic- word association. I say a word, you tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Try anything I don't like, I call Tsunade and Jiraya. Got it?

Orochimaru: I understand.

Ellie: Alright, let's begin.

Orochimaru: Whatever.

Ellie: Sound.

Orochimaru: Power.

Ellie: (writes) Sharingan.

Orochimaru: Power.

Ellie: (writes) Uchiha.

Orochimaru: Body.

Ellie: (writes) Yuri.

Orochimaru: Disgusting.

Ellie: (smirks, writes) Yaoi.

Orochimaru: HOT.

Ellie: (writes) Akatsuki.

Orochimaru: Bastards.

Ellie: (writes) Konoha.

Orochimaru: Bastards.

Ellie: (writes) Glasses.

Orochimaru: Kabuto.

Ellie: (writes) Tongue.

Orochimaru: Sword.

Ellie: (writes) Power.

Orochimaru: World domination.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now for the ink-blots. I'll show you an ink-blot; you tell me what you see. Please, nothing that will make this become M-rated.

Orochimaru: …Damn…

Ellie: (pulls out a stack of papers, holds up one) What do you see?

Orochimaru: Sound symbol.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)  
Orochimaru: Snake.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Orochimaru: A penis.

Ellie: (almost barfs. writes, pulls out another paper)

Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun wearing leather pants.

Ellie: (reaches for a bottle of sake, but leaves it be. writes, pulls out another paper)

Orochimaru: Kabuto butt-naked, bending over with one of my snakes going up his-

Ellie: RATED T, YOU DUMBASS! (writes, pulls out another paper)

Orochimaru: Kimimaro laying on his back begging me to-

Ellie: (stops writing, throws away the inkblots) NO MORE INKBLOTS!

Orochimaru: But, I was having fun!

Ellie: I DON'T CARE! (takes a deep breath, lets it out. Looks over my notes, sighs) Now it's time for the questions. Answer truthfully, Orochimaru.

Orochimaru: Very well. (clearly enjoying making her mad)

Ellie: According to what I've been told, you were teammates with Tsunade and Jiraya under Sarutobi, the Sandaime Hokage. Were you on good terms with your teammates?

Orochimaru: I was Sarutobi-sensei's favorite student. Tsunade-hime and I got along well. I think she had a crush on me at one point. So much like little Sakura-chan. Jiraya and I…we butted heads over everything. We're very much like Sasuke-kun and Naruto-kun.

Ellie: (writes) I see. However, I doubt you were Sarutobi's favorite student. He made Namikaze Minato his successor, not you. And I highly DOUBT Tsunade had a crush on you. According to what Tsunade told me, she made fun of you a lot.

Orochimaru: …

Ellie: (smirks, writes) Now, I understand you kidnapped shinobi from your own village and others and experimented on them while you were still in Konoha. You also gave Mitarashi Anko a curse seal, along with others, including Uchiha Sasuke during the Chunin Exams. Is there a reason to your…insanity?

Orochimaru: It was all in the search for power. I created over a thousand jutsu, created the perfect shinobi. If anything, the world should be THANKING me. I should be a daimyo.

Ellie: (writes, muttering) You should be in an asylum.

Orochimaru: What was that?

Ellie: Nothing. Now, I noticed you have mostly MALE minions, minus Tayuya, Guren, and Karin. Is there a reason for this?

Orochimaru: Men seem to perform better than women do in all aspects of life.

Ellie: You- YOU SEXIST PIG!

Orochimaru: Huh?

Ellie: Of course women don't work as hard as men…women get it right the first time! Not to mention guys are nothing but trouble! Men have been lowering their standards, so women have been forced to dumb themselves down, make themselves look like blonde bimbos with boobs the size of watermelons and the brains of an ICE CUBE, barf after every meal or not eat at all! Men are the source of all EVIL! (pissed, ready to go on a rampage. Calms down, sighs. Writes a few things down) Sorry, I'm a feminist. Now, onto the next question.

Orochimaru: (has a 'WTF?!' face on) …

Ellie: You appear to be drawn to the Uchiha clan, Orochimaru. First you try to take Itachi's body while you were in Akatsuki, but he rejected it. Then you go after Sasuke, and he also refused once he realized he had surpassed you. Why did you chase after them so much?

Orochimaru: They both possessed the Sharingan and were both incredibly strong. I wanted their power, not to mention they're both quite good-looking. I believe the otaku term is that they are bishies.

Ellie: (writes) You also seem to have an obsession with snakes and your tongue. Is there a reason behind this?

Orochimaru: Snakes are strong, sneaky creatures. They are much like shinobi, not to mention they are very useful in all prospects of life. As for the tongue thing, I do it to scare my enemies and because it's fun. I can hide scrolls, swords, all kind of things down my throat. Not to mention my tongue can extend longer than I am tall, and is useful for many…_interesting_ things.

Ellie: (writes, looking slightly green)

Ellie: I'm ready with the analysis, Are you ready, Orochimaru?

Orochimaru: Hurry up so I can go to Kabuto about my body.

Ellie: (mutters) That sounded wrong…

Orochimaru: Talk, woman!

Ellie: I am, I am. You are a megalomaniac, obsessing over both power and strength. You are sexist, believing men are superior to women in every way, even though Tsunade has kicked your ass before and will continue to do so. (mutters) Even though you're dead…

Orochimaru: That all?

Ellie: I have some personal- No, you know what, it's everyone's opinion. Orochimaru, you're a homosexual pedophile that needs serious help. I've called in some favors, and you're being sent to an asylum in the Land of Snow.

Orochimaru: W-What?!

Ellie: (clears my throat) TAKE HIM AWAY, BOYS!

(five men in white suits come in, one carrying a straight-jacket, one carrying a muzzle, and one carrying a pair of chakra cuffs. Orochimaru is tackled, tied up, and put on a gurney)

Orochimaru: Dish bibbed ova!

Ellie: It IS over, Orochimaru. Goodbye, and I hope you like electroshock therapy.

Orochimaru: Duck fu!

Ellie: Like I'd let you have intercourse with me, you pedophile. Besides, you like men.

Orochimaru: Bile fill fu!

Ellie: No, you won't kill me. Boys, take him out of here.

(men take Orochimaru away to a nice, padded room in an asylum in the Land of Snow)

Ellie: (rubs my temples, grabs a bottle of sake) May I forever forget this day. (chugs the bottle, hiccups, keels over, snoozing)

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My amazing return! Next time, on Naruto in: Therapy?!- Making a breakthrough! A certain kunoichi speaks up! R&R, please! I know you love me, so let me know! Oh, and for those who were curious to what Orochimaru was saying after he was muzzled: first, he said "Dish bibbed ova!" That translates to: "This isn't over!" Next, he said. "Duck fu!" This, obviously, translates to: "Fuck you!" His last comment was "Bile fill fu!" That means: "I'll kill you!" Now, I have to make sure Orochimaru isn't rescued by his little pets. Bye for now! Love you all! (gives everyone cookies)

~ellie216, aka Ellie


	6. Hyuuga Hinata

Hello, Hola, Ohayo/Konichiwa/Konbanwa, Bon Jour, etc! I am the _fabulous_ ellie216, aka Ellie, aka Neko-chan! Welcome to…NARUTO IN: THERAPY! Last time, I brought in Orochimaru for a much needed therapy session. And, after knocking myself out by drinking, I completely forgot about doing Orochimaru's. I re-read it, and almost gagged. I think I got drunk before I wrote that…Anyway! Orochimaru's treatment in the asylum is going well, and his minions have been locked up. Kiba and Akamaru have been trying to catch me, but I've got some bodyguards now, thanks to Tsunade. Gotta love her. XD Gai woke up yesterday, but before I could see him, he was sent on a voluntary B-Rank mission to the Land of Birds. Oh well. Before Gai was Ten-Ten, and she's doing fine with her parents, even taking Anko's last name! Sasuke is, once again, in the hospital. Why? Because he pulled some stupid shit, that's why. I'll explain at the end of the chapter.

Now, onto today's chapter! I don't own Naruto! If I did, Sakura would've beaten the shit out of Sasuke for leaving her on a bench, unconscious, in the middle of the night, when she saw him for the first time in Shippuden!

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PART SIX: HYUUGA HINATA

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(Hinata walks in, sits on the couch. I'm at my desk, a new notebook in front of me and a box of tissues on the desk)

Ellie: Hello, Hinata.

Hinata: H-Hello.

Ellie: Do you know why you're here, Hinata?

Hinata: Tsunade-sama said I-I needed confidence in m-myself…so s-she sent me h-here.

Ellie: I agree with her, Hinata. Ready to begin our session?

Hinata: Y-Yes.

Ellie: Let's start off with the easiest one- word association. I say a word, you tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Okay?

Hinata: O-Okay.

Ellie: Hinata, when you answer, try not to stutter.

Hinata: Okay.

Ellie: Leaf.

Hinata: Friends.

Ellie: (writes) Fox.

Hinata: Naruto-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Dog.

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Team.

Hinata: Friends.

Ellie: (writes) Main branch.

Hinata: Byakugan.

Ellie: (writes) Lower branch.

Hinata: Family.

Ellie: (writes) Strength.

Hinata: Teammates.

Ellie: (writes) Power.

Hinata: Friends.

Ellie: (writes) Love.

Hinata: U-Um…

Ellie: First thing that comes to your mind. Don't think.

Hinata: Determination.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: That was a good start, Hinata. Now, let's move on to the inkblots, shall we?

Hinata: I-Inkblots?

Ellie: I show you an inkblot, you tell me what you see. Got it?

Hinata: Okay.

Ellie: No stuttering.

Hinata: Understood.

Ellie: (pulls out a stack of papers, holds up one) What do you see?

Hinata: Konoha symbol.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Hyuuga clan symbol.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Hyuuga curse seal.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Akamaru.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Shino-kun.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Neji-niisan.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Hokage mansion.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Myself, standing behind my teammates.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Hanabi, my little sister.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: Naruto-kun.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: My team.

Ellie: (writes, pulls out another paper)

Hinata: My friends.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Very nice, Hinata. Now, I'm going to do something I haven't tried, alright?

Hinata: What is it?

Ellie: Color association.

Hinata: Is it like word association?

Ellie: Yup. But this time, I'm going to say a color, and you tell me who or what it reminds you of.

Hinata: Okay.

Ellie: Red.

Hinata: Fire.

Ellie: (writes) Green.

Hinata: Plants.

Ellie: (writes) White.

Hinata: Byakugan.

Ellie: (writes) Brown.

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Gray.

Hinata: Shino-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Orange.

Hinata: Naruto-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Black.

Hinata: Kiba-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Blue.

Hinata: Loneliness.

Ellie: (writes) Pink.

Hinata: Love.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Time for my favorite part…the questioning.

Hinata: Questioning?

Ellie: I'll ask you some questions, you give me your honest answers. Okay?

Hinata: Okay.

Ellie: I noticed that, during the color association, you said the color black reminded you of Kiba. Why is that?

Hinata: Well, Kiba-kun wears black clothes after Naruto-kun comes home to the village. To be honest, I think his new look is better than his old one.

Ellie: (writes) Kiba's or Naruto's?

Hinata: Kiba-kun's. Naruto-kun looks a bit like he did when he left.

Ellie: (writes) Now, I understand that, the first time you took the Chunin Exams, Neji almost killed you. How did that make you feel, Hinata?

Hinata: Well…um…is Neji-niisan going to see this?

Ellie: No. I'm confidential.

Hinata: (nods, starts crying)

Ellie: Hinata? (hands her a tissue)

Hinata: T-Thank you. (wipes her eyes)

Ellie: Can you answer the question?

Hinata: I felt…angry. And upset. A bit betrayed, too.

Ellie: (writes) And why is that?

Hinata: Even though he hated the main branch, we were still family. I was angry that he kept putting me down, calling me weak and saying all those mean things. (wipes her eyes again) I was upset because it hurt so much, hearing such horrible things come out of the mouth of one of the people I care about. I felt betrayed because even though we're from different branches, we're still family. He…He didn't care.

Ellie: (writes) You must've felt terrible.

Hinata: I did. But, I feel better now that I've talked about it.

Ellie: That's good to hear. Now, I noticed that, when I said blue during the color association, you said loneliness. Is there a reason for that?

Hinata: As the heir to the main branch, I was isolated from the other members of the clan to be trained in the ways of the Hyuuga clan's taijutsu. I wasn't as strong as Neji-niisan, and even Hanabi was better than me. I felt so alone, being weaker than them.

Ellie: (writes, handing her another tissue) Is that why you saw yourself behind your teammates in the inkblots?

Hinata: (nods, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose) I also saw myself behind Hanabi and Neji-niisan. I felt so…pathetic.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Hinata, I have the analysis.

Hinata: You do?

Ellie: (nods, looking over my notes) Hinata, you have an inferiority complex. You feel as though you aren't as strong as everyone else, like you can't hold your own with your team and your friends. You also feel lonely because of how you were raised, and I bet your kidnapping when you were 3 didn't help.

Hinata: No, it didn't.

Ellie: Hinata, I also believe your feelings for Naruto aren't of love, but of friendly nature.

Hinata: What do you mean?

Ellie: Well, think about it- you always watched Naruto, the nobody, the wild card, as he grew stronger and stronger. That inspired YOU to become stronger as well. Besides, didn't you copy his ninja way?

Hinata: I did…

Ellie: Hinata, you love Naruto like you love Neji- you love him like a brother.

Hinata: But…I have feelings for SOMEONE.

Ellie: Yes, you do. Someone who's name popped up very often during our session.

Hinata: Who?  
Ellie: Inuzuka Kiba, your teammate.

Hinata: (blushes) K-Kiba-kun?

Ellie: And I know for a fact he loves you back. That's why I invited him to come today. Kiba!

Hinata: (bright red)

(Kiba walks in, sits next to Hinata. Akamaru sits by his feet)

Kiba: Give me ONE reason why I shouldn't Gatsuuga your face in.

Ellie: Hinata has something she wants to say to you. Hinata?

Hinata: (blushes) K-Kiba-kun…do you…um…

Kiba: Do I what?

Hinata: Um…(looks at Ellie, mouthing "Help me")

Ellie: (sigh) Kiba, what Hinata is trying to say is that she loves you.

Kiba: (jaw drops, eyes widen) H-Hinata…is she telling the truth?

Hinata: (nods) I-I…I love you, Kiba-kun.

Kiba: Hinata…(kisses her)

Hinata: (blushes, kisses him back)

Akamaru: (barks happily)

Ellie: I might go into the matchmaking business next. (smiles)

(Kiba and Hinata stop kissing)

Ellie: Our time is up, pay up.

Hinata: Pay?

Ellie: Kidding! Go have some fun.

(Kiba and Hinata get up to leave, Akamaru following them)

Ellie: Oh, and Kiba?

Kiba: (turns to face her) Yeah?

Ellie: (smirks) Use a condom.

(Kiba and Hinata turn bright red)

Kiba: YOU'RE DEAD! (charges at her)

Hinata: Byakugan! (activates her Byakugan)

Ellie: Ah shit! See you next time for more Naruto in- Therapy! Bye! (running for my life)

(Kiba, Hinata, and Akamaru chase Ellie out the office window and into Konoha)

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Am I going to die? Do I have a death wish? Am I going to be saved by Shikamaru again? The answers? I DON'T KNOW! STOP ASKING ME! Crap! Here they come again! R&R, please! BYE~! Love you all! (tosses everyone a free plushie of their fave Naruto character)

Kiba and Hinata: GET BACK HERE! (chases Ellie of the stage)

~ellie216, aka Ellie


	7. Hatake Kakashi

Hello, my wonderful readers! I am, if you haven't figured it out yet, the amazing authoress, ellie216! Call me Ellie-chan or Neko-chan if you wish, but if you insult me, I will kick your ass. ^^ Now, if my memory works correctly, the last chapter was with Hinata. She is currently dating Kiba, and they are having the time of their lives. In fact, I may end up making this a therapy AND matchmaking session. That would be interesting…XD. Now, as I told you, Sasuke was put in the hospital for losing to the Log. That is VERY pathetic. Perhaps the second Uchiha prodigy isn't as great as the first? Now, this is the first time I used the Book of Awesomeness. I will sometimes bring that in to make a decision. Such as: should I kill this guy or not? Also, I have another story, "Taisho Sakura", and I need you, my WONDERFUL readers, to help me decide its fate. I may end up discontinuing it. Please vote if I should discontinue it or not. Thank you. Now, as promised, this session will be with Hatake Kakashi. Enjoy! I do not own Naruto, I don't own Fruit's Basket, and I don't own Full Metal Panic! either. You'll see why I mentioned Fruit's Basket later. ^_^

PART SEVEN: HATAKE KAKASHI

(Kakashi walks into the office, reading his favorite Icha Icha book. I'm sitting at the desk, shuffling some papers around and speaking on the phone)

Kakashi: Hey there Ellie.

Ellie: (on the phone) I told you earlier, you CAN'T bring Aya with you. I approved you bringing in your newest material, but I said NOTHING about a friend. Even if he IS family. Understand? Good. I'll see you later. Just register yourself with my secretary, okay? Great. Bye. (hangs up the phone, looks at Kakashi) Hey Kakashi.

Kakashi: Hi. (reading my porn)

Ellie: (glares) Kakashi, we talked about this. NO PORN IN MY OFFICE. Understand?

Kakashi: (nods, puts my porn away) So, do I REALLY need to be here?

Ellie: Yes. Tsunade-sama says that you've been acting strange lately and that you've been slacking more than ever.

Kakashi: Really? I hadn't noticed…

Ellie: Kakashi, you still have to stay. So, shall we begin?

Kakashi: Sure, why not?

Ellie: I'm going to start with the usual- word association. You just-

Kakashi: I know what it is.

Ellie: Not your first time going to therapy?

Kakashi: This would be my eighteenth time.

Ellie: (falls out of my chair) EIGHTEENTH?!

Kakashi: According to the Sandaime Hokage, I had a lot of issues.

Ellie: (gets back in my chair) I see…Now, shall we begin?

Kakashi: Sure.

Ellie: (pulls out a notebook, brings out my favorite pen) Sharingan.

Kakashi: Teammate.

Ellie: (writes) Medic.

Kakashi: Teammate.

Ellie: (writes) Flash.

Kakashi: Sensei.

Ellie: (writes) Yuri.

Kakashi: (smirks) Hot.

Ellie: (writes) Yaoi.

Kakashi: Impartial.

Ellie: (surprised, writes) Entertainment.

Kakashi: Book.

Ellie: (writes) Women.

Kakashi: Book.

Ellie: (writes) Love.

Kakashi: Book.

Ellie: (writes) Girls.

Kakashi: Book.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Now it's time for the ink-blots. Do you know what those are?

Kakashi: Yes, I know.

Ellie: You say anything I don't like, I'm going to kick your ass.

Kakashi: (nods) Ready.

Ellie: (pulls out a stack of papers, holds one up) Now, what do you see?

Kakashi: Pakkun.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: Sharingan.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: My old team.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: My new team.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: My old sensei, the Yondaime Hokage.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: My book.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: My book.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: A scene from my book.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: Women.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: A up-close look at a woman's anatomy.

Ellie: (blanches. writes, holds up another paper)

Kakashi: My book.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: You're doing very well, Kakashi. Now, I'm going to do the color association test.

Kakashi: Haven't had that one yet.

Ellie: I say a color, you tell me what it reminds you of. Got it?  
Kakashi: Got it.

Ellie: Good. Ready to begin?

Kakashi: Ready.

Ellie: Black.

Kakashi: Obito.

Ellie: (writes) Red.

Kakashi: Rin.

Ellie: (writes) Yellow.

Kakashi: Minato-sensei.

Ellie: (writes) Orange.

Kakashi: Naruto.

Ellie: (writes) Pink.

Kakashi: Sakura.

Ellie: (writes) Blue.

Kakashi: Sasuke.

Ellie: (writes) Green.

Kakashi: Book.

Ellie: (writes) White.

Kakashi: Women's panties.

Ellie: (sighs, writes) Grey.

Kakashi: My hair.

Ellie: (writes) Brown.

Kakashi: Trees.

Ellie: (writes) Dark green.

Kakashi: Leaves.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: We're onto the last part, Kakashi- the questioning.

Kakashi: (reading my porn)

Ellie: (growls) Kakashi…

Kakashi: (puts my porn away) Sorry.

Ellie: (sighs) So, can we get started?

Kakashi: Sure.

Ellie: Your father was the famous "White Fang" of Konoha. When he committed suicide, how did you feel?

Kakashi: I felt…angry and upset.

Ellie: Why? (writes)

Kakashi: He just gave up on life. I had already lost my mother, I didn't want to lose him too. All I had left of him was the tanto he gave me, and it was broken when I helped Obito.

Ellie: (writes) Now, you once compared your old team, Team Minato, to your new team, Team Kakashi. Who compares to whom?

Kakashi: Well, Sakura is definitely like Rin. They're both medics and they both had crushes on their brooding male teammates. Naruto is exactly like Obito. They're loud, hyper, and rash. Not to mention they both had crushes on their female teammates. Sasuke is like I was before Obito died. Quiet, brooding, cold. Not to mention we were both crushed on by the female on our team and were rivals with our other male teammate.

Ellie: (writes) And what about you? Do you compare yourself to Minato?

Kakashi: Yes. I believe I am a "fun" sensei.

Ellie: I see. Now, when Obito died and Rin left, how did that affect you?

Kakashi: I visited the Konoha Memorial every day to pay my respects to Obito. And when Rin never came back, I prayed for her as well. After Minato-sensei died, I prayed for him there as well. I lost a lot when I was younger, and I'm still losing others.

Ellie: You mean Sasuke? (writes)

Kakashi: Yes. Naruto left for a while, as well.

Ellie: And what about Sakura?

Kakashi: She had Tsunade-sama, Shizune-san, Ino, and the rest of her friends.

Ellie: (writes) Now, back when Team Kakashi was still a group of Genin, you seemed to give Sasuke and Naruto more attention than you did Sakura. Why did you ignore her?

Kakashi: Sasuke and Naruto are both physically and emotionally stronger than Sakura, but Sakura was stronger mentally, not to mention she had better chakra control.

Ellie: That doesn't answer my question, Kakashi.

Kakashi: Right, sorry. Well, Sakura reminded me so much of Rin back then. I didn't want her to get hurt and end up like Rin. So, Naruto, Sasuke, and I made a deal- we would protect Sakura from harm.

Ellie: (writes) And when Sakura shattered the ground when you challenged her and Naruto to the bell test, how did you feel?

Kakashi: I felt impressed…and ashamed.

Ellie: (writes) Why?

Kakashi: Sakura had improved so much. Back then, the only jutsu she knew was the Bunshin no Jutsu [Clone Jutsu] and the Kawarimi no Jutsu [Body-Switching Jutsu]. But then, when she shattered the ground with ONE punch…I was amazed. But, I was ashamed that I had just ignored Sakura's training. With her incredible chakra control, I probably could've taught her Chidori.

Ellie: (writes)

Ellie: Alright, Kakashi, that's it.

Kakashi: Great. (gets up to leave)

Ellie: Not what I meant. Sit.

Kakashi: (sits back down)

Ellie: You are one troubled person, Kakashi. You feel regret for the death of Obito and Rin's disappearance, along with ignoring Sakura and letting Sasuke get away. You miss your family terribly, and you are a gigantic pervert.

Kakashi: That's all true. Anything else?

Ellie: Kakashi, because I know how this would be pretty sad for you, I decided to get you a gift. I called a friend of mine, and you two have a LOT in common. Trust me, I know this VERY well.

Kakashi: We would? Alright. So, who is it?

Ellie: (presses a button on my phone) Please send in Sohma-san.

(Sohma Shigure walks in, carrying a large box)

Shigure: E-chan! How nice to see you! Aya's mad that you wouldn't let him come with me.

Ellie: I'll send Aya a fruit basket and a new employee. Shigure, this is Kakashi, the guy I told you about. Kakashi, this is Sohma Shigure, an author.

Kakashi: (stands up, my porn in hand) Nice to meet you, Sohma-san.

Shigure: Just call me Shigure. Say, is that Icha Icha Paradise, written by Jiraya?

Kakashi: (surprised) You've read it?

Shigure: (nods) Like E-chan said, I'm an author. Would you like to see some of my work?

Kakashi: That'd be great.

Ellie: What have I done?

(Shigure pulls out his latest porn book)

Kakashi: (jaw drops, drops his book) May I?

Shigure: Of course! (hands Kakashi the book)

Kakashi: (opens it, starts reading. Stops, looks up at Shigure. Drops to my knees, bows to Shigure) You are GOD!

Shigure: (laughs, smiling) I have more! (opens the box, starts stacking up my porn books)

Kakashi: (eyes widen, bowing to Shigure) You are my idol, Shigure-sama!

Ellie: (anime-fall) This is RIDICULOUS!

(Shigure and Kakashi laughing, pointing at various parts of books)

Ellie: (starts bashing my head in on the desk. Grabs my Book of Awesomeness) Oh Book of Awesomeness, should I sic my secretary on these two? (flips to a random page, reads it) The Book of Awesomeness says Yes! (presses a button on the phone) Kaname, get in here! CODE RED! I REPEAT, CODE RED!

(Kaname bursts into the room, her fan in hand)

Kaname: Where are they?

Kakashi and Shigure: HIGH SCHOOL GIRL~!

Kaname: PERVERT! (slams my fan on each of their heads)

(Shigure and Kakashi are KO'ed)

Ellie: (sighs) Kaname, can you get these two out of here?

Kaname: Yes Ellie-san. (grabs Kakashi and Shigure, throws them out the window)

Ellie: Um…Kaname?

Kaname: Yes?

Ellie: You DO know that we're on the eighth floor…right?

Kaname: …

Ellie: Crap. (dials a number on my phone) Hey, Tsunade? Yeah…there's going to be two new patients coming in. Kakashi and Sohma Shigure. Get two gurneys ready. Great, thanks. Send some medics over, okay? Thanks. Bye. (hangs up, sighs, rubbing my temples) My brain hurts.

Kaname: Aspirin or sake?

Ellie: Surprise me.

Kaname: Aspirin it is. (leaves the room, comes back with a bottle of Aspirin and a glass of water)

Ellie: You're a violent angel, Kaname. (takes the Aspirin, chugs the water)

Kaname: (leaves)

Ellie: (sighs, dials another number) Hey, Tohru? Yeah…Shigure won't be coming home. He's in the hospital. No worries, just a head injury. And maybe a couple broken bones. He'll be home soon. Tell Hatori to tell Akito, okay? Thanks. Bye. (hangs up) This won't end well…

For once, I didn't get attacked! But, I did get some serious DAIN BRAMAGE! And yes, I intentionally wrote that to show how brain damaging that was. R&R, please!


	8. Tsunade

Greetings, readers and reviewers! If you don't know who I am after seven chapters, you're an idiot. Now, last time, my new secretary, Chidori Kaname tossed Kakashi and Shigure, who made a special guest appearance, out the window. They are both in the hospital, being tended to by MALE nurses. Serves them right. After some attempts on my life by angry people (who know who they are), I have hired some security guards. One, the head of security, is also from Full Metal Panic! It's none other than…SAGARA SOUSUKE!

Sousuke: (bows) I look forward to working for you, Ellie-sama.

I could get used to that. And please welcome my OTHER security guard. From Full Metal Alchemist...COLONEL ROY MUSTANG!

Roy: She only picked me because I'm sexy.

…Maybe… I don't own Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist, or Full Metal Panic! I OWN NOTHING BUT MYSELF!

PART EIGHT: GODAIME HOKAGE TSUNADE

(Tsunade walks in, Ellie at her steel/chakra/alchemy reinforced desk)

Ellie: Tsunade-sama, welcome.

Tsunade: Hey there, Ellie. How goes the therapy sessions?

Ellie: Sasuke, Ten-Ten, Gai, Orochimaru, Kiba, Hinata, and Kakashi.

Tsunade: And?

Ellie: Sasuke was sent to the hospital, Ten-Ten was adopted, Gai went into shock, Orochimaru was sent to an asylum, Kiba tried to kill me, Hinata AND Kiba tried to kill me, and my secretary threw Kakashi and Shigure out the window.

Tsunade: …Really?

Ellie: Yup.

Tsunade: Who's the secretary?

Ellie: (presses a button on my phone) Kaname, come in here please.

(Kaname walks in)

Kaname: You called?

Ellie: Kaname, this is Tsunade. Tsunade-sama, meet my secretary, Chidori Kaname.

Tsunade: Hi.

Kaname: Hello, Tsunade-sama. (bows) Ellie-san, a boy came in yesterday. He wanted to make an appointment.

Ellie: Did he leave a name?

Kaname: Yes. (pulls out a paper) He said his name was Rock Lee.

Ellie: Lee-san came in? Schedule him for next week.

Kaname: Yes Ellie-san. (leaves the room)

Tsunade: Does she drive the boys crazy?

Ellie: Shino offered her flowers yesterday.

Tsunade: Wow…So, why am I here if I hired you?

Ellie: Because you might need therapy more than anyone.

Tsunade: Can I have sake?

Ellie: No.

Tsunade: Damn…okay, let's do this!

WORD ASSOCIATION

Ellie: Now, I'll say a word and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Got it? (has a pen and my notebook ready)

Tsunade: Whatever.

Ellie: Gambling.

Tsunade: Losing.  
Ellie: (writes) Medics.

Tsunade: Life.

Ellie: (writes) Dan.

Tsunade: Love.

Ellie: (writes) Jiraya.

Tsunade: (smiles softly) Pervert.

Ellie: (smirks, writes) Apprentice.

Tsunade: Sakura.

Ellie: (writes) Hokage.

Tsunade: Naruto.

Ellie: (writes) Snake.

Tsunade: Traitor.

Ellie: (writes) Blood.

Tsunade: Fear, I guess.

Ellie: (writes) Strength.

Tsunade: (smirks) Incredible.

Ellie: (chuckles, writes) Sake.

Tsunade: Fun!

Ellie: (writes)

INK BLOTS

Ellie: I show you an ink blot, you tell me what you see. Take as long as you need.

Tsunade: Got it.

Ellie: (pulls out a stack of papers, holds one up) What do you see, Tsunade-sama?

Tsunade: …Dan's death.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: My little brother.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: Jiraya.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: Sarutobi-sensei.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: My students Sakura and Shizune.

Ellie: (a bit confused, writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: Sake!

Ellie: (sighs. writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: Jiraya.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another)

Tsunade: Konoha.

Ellie: (writes)

COLOR-ASSOCIATION

Ellie: Time for one of my favorites. Color association!

Tsunade: Kakashi told me about this one.

Ellie: Black.

Tsunade: Orochimaru.

Ellie: (writes) Green.

Tsunade: Jiraya.

Ellie: (writes) Pink.

Tsunade: (smiles) Sakura.

Ellie: (writes) Grey.

Tsunade: Shizune.

Ellie: (writes) Orange.

Tsunade: Naruto.

Ellie: (writes) Red.

Tsunade: Jiraya.

Ellie: (writes) Blue.

Tsunade: Jiraya.

Ellie: (smirks, writes) Purple.

Tsunade: Orochimaru.

Ellie: (writes) Yellow.

Tsunade: Naruto.

Ellie: (writes)

QUESTIONING

Ellie: Now for the questions!

Tsunade: Kakashi told me about this, too. Well, fire away.

Ellie: Now, back when I interviewed Orochimaru, he said you had a crush on him. Did you really?

Tsunade: Absolutely not! I hated that snake bastard, thinking he was better than the rest of us! He made fun of me, too.

Ellie: (writes) Why?

Tsunade: Believe it or not, I was as flat as a board when I was a kid.

Ellie: (writes) And he made fun of you for that?

Tsunade: Yeah. Him and Jiraya. But, now that I have _these_- (gestures to my chest) I feel a _lot_ better about myself.

Ellie: (writes) Now, if memory serves, you lost your younger brother and the love of your life. How did you feel, about yourself and the necklace you gave them both?

Tsunade: I believed the necklace was cursed so only the true inheritor of the Ichidaime [First] Hokage's will would be able to wear it. As for how I felt…I felt regret and hate.

Ellie: (writes) Please explain.

Tsunade: I regretted giving them the necklace in the first place, and I hated myself for being too weak to protect them. No matter how strong I was, I was still too weak to save the ones I loved.

Ellie: (writes) Now, I noticed that during the ink blot test, you saw your students, correct?

Tsunade: That's right.

Ellie: You didn't mention Ino. You only said Sakura and Shizune.

Tsunade: (sighs) Ino…well, she's different from Sakura and Shizune.

Ellie: (writes) How so?

Tsunade: Well, her chakra control isn't as great as theirs, and she can heal basic injuries while they can heal someone on the brink of death.

Ellie: (writes) So you're saying Ino isn't strong enough?

Tsunade: (sighs) Yes, sadly. She loses her focus easily, and that could mean life or death. She also panics too easily.

Ellie: (nods, writes) I see. Now, even though you believed the necklace was cursed, you still gave it to Naruto after he mastered the Rasengan. And he's still alive, isn't he?

Tsunade: (smiles) Yes, Naruto is still alive. He's too stubborn to die, anyway. But, more importantly, he has something to live for. The same dream as Dan and my little brother…to become Hokage. And I intend to make sure that, once my time as Hokage is over, Naruto will take my place.

Ellie: (writes, smiling) I bet he'll be happy to hear that.

CONCLUSION

Ellie: Alright, Tsunade-sama, we're done here. I'll just give you my results and you can go.

Tsunade: Finally!

Ellie: You were once hemophobic, you somewhat regret taking Ino on as a student, you have a strong belief that Naruto will become Hokage, and… (smirks) you're in love with your teammate.

Tsunade: WHAT?!

Ellie: You heard me. You. Are. In. Love. With. Your. Team. Mate.

Tsunade: Which one?

Ellie: (smiles) Ero-Sennin.

Tsunade: LIAR!

Ellie: I'm no liar, Tsunade-sama. And what's this? Jiraya's here?

(enter Jiraya)

Jiraya: HELLO!

Tsunade: Jiraya!?

Jiraya: (smirks, standing in front of Tsunade) So…you're in love with me~?

Tsunade: (pissed) ELLIE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Ellie: (presses a button under my desk)

(Sousuke and Roy run in)

Ellie: KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME! (dives behind Roy)

Tsunade: ELLIE! (charges at Roy and Sousuke)

Jiraya: Tsunade-hime, wait!

(cue cheesy chase music!)

Ellie: (runs)

Sousuke: Ellie-sama! (chases Ellie)

Roy: WAIT FOR ME! (chases Sousuke and Ellie)

Tsunade: (chasing Ellie and her security guards)

Jiraya: (chasing Tsunade)

Ellie: SOMEONE SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R&R, and pray I don't die! Shit, here comes Tsunade! BYE!

_~ellie216_


	9. Rock Lee

Hello, citizens of ! I am the mighty authoress, keeper of the Book of Awesomeness! Last time, Tsunade came in and chased me like a crazy person. Luckily, my security guards, Sousuke and Roy, were able to protect me long enough so I could escape. This week, as revealed in my last chapter, I will FINALLY reveal the news to Lee! I don't own Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist, and/or Full Metal Panic! ^^

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PART NINE: ROCK LEE

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(Ellie's behind her new desk, since Tsunade had managed to smash the other one)

Ellie: Kaname, where the HELL is Lee?!

Kaname: He's-

Lee: DYNAMIC ENTRY!!!! (breaks through the door, lands in front of Ellie-san's desk) Hello, Ellie-san! I apologize for my lateness! (bows)

Kaname: …Landing in your office…

Ellie: (twitch) My _door_…

Lee: Ellie-san? What about your door?

Ellie: (glares) You _broke_ it!

Lee: (looks at the shattered door behind me, looks at Ellie-san) I'm very sorry, Ellie-san! I will run 500 laps around the village!

Ellie: No, you won't. You will sit down so we can get this over with and I can get a new door!

Lee: Yes ma'am! (sits on the couch)

Ellie: Alright, Lee. Since you made the appointment, would you like to tell me why you're here?

Lee: I came because Ten-Ten said it would keep me youthful!

Ellie: Right…

WORD ASSOCIATION

Ellie: When I say a word, you tell me the first thing you think of, okay?

Lee: YOSH!

Ellie: (brings out my favorite pen and a random notebook) Power.

Lee: Spandex!

Ellie: (shivers, writes) Friends.

Lee: Youth!

Ellie: (writes) Teammates.

Lee: Strength!

Ellie: STOP SHOUTING EVERYTHING!

Lee: Yes ma'am…

Ellie: (writes) Pride.

Lee: Youth.

Ellie: (writes) Honor.

Lee: Battle.

Ellie: (writes)

INK BLOTS

Ellie: When I show you an inkblot, you tell me the first thing you see.

Lee: Can do!

Ellie: (holds up a paper) What do you see?

Lee: My team.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: The Konoha 12.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: Gai-sensei.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: My friends.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: The flames of youth!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: My beloved Sakura-san!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: My rival, Hyuuga Neji.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: My other rival, Uzumaki Naruto-kun.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: My third rival, Uchiha Sasuke-kun.

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: Gai-sensei!

Ellie: (writes, holds up another paper)

Lee: Gai-sensei, once more!

Ellie: (writes)

COLOR ASSOCIATION

Ellie: Okay, color association. I say a color, you tell me what it reminds you of.

Lee: Understood.

Ellie: White.

Lee: Neji.

Ellie: (writes) Green.

Lee: Gai-sensei.

Ellie: (writes) Red.

Lee: Ten-Ten.

Ellie: (writes) Pink.

Lee: My beloved Sakura-san!

Ellie: (writes) Orange.

Lee: Naruto-kun.

Ellie: (writes) Black.

Lee: Defeat.

Ellie: (writes) Yellow.

Lee: …Sand.

Ellie: (writes)

QUESTIONING

Ellie: I'm just going to ask you a few questions, Lee. That okay?

Lee: It's fine. Go right ahead, Ellie-san.

Ellie: You seem very…infatuated…with Sakura-san. Can you explain why?

Lee: Well, she's beautiful! Her lovely pink hair, her gorgeous green eyes, her pale skin…she's a goddess! A fairy! An ANGEL!

Ellie: (writes) And you asked her out without knowing who she was. Why?

Lee: …

Ellie: Lee?

Lee: …I assumed she was Sasuke-kun's woman. I had heard a lot about him, and I assumed Sakura-san was his crush. So, I figured that, if I hit on her, he would get angry enough to fight me.

Ellie: So, you pretty much USED Sakura-san? (writing this down)

Lee: At the beginning…yes. But, over time, I truly fell in love with her!

Ellie: (sighs, writing) When I mentioned the color yellow, you hesitated before mentioning sand. Is there a reason?

Lee: Yes. During the Chunin Exams, Gaara-san almost killed me with his sand. One of my arms and one of my legs were broken…it was thought I would never be able to continue life as a shinobi. But, Tsunade-sama came and healed me! And here I am, a proud shinobi of Konoha!

Ellie: (writes) I see…Now, you mentioned Gai-sensei many times during this test. What exactly do you…feel for him?

Lee: Gai-sensei is my idol! My role model! My sensei! I admire him greatly, but not in a perverted way! He has always been there, guiding me with his many lessons and difficult training exercises! I will not fail Gai-sensei! Never!

Ellie: (writes) I see… You mentioned having Neji, Sasuke, and Naruto as rivals. How are they your rivals?

Lee: Neji is much stronger than I am, so he is my team rival. Naruto-kun is in love with Sakura-san, but she loves Sasuke-kun. They are my rivals in love!

Ellie: (writes) I see…

CONCLUSION

Ellie: Lee, I'm not going to lie…I think you need more than just ONE therapy session…

Lee: I have gone to four therapists.

Ellie: …I see…Well, I must admit, you're more complicated than I thought you would be. You felt guilty about using Sakura-san to get to Sasuke, you admire your sensei, you care about your teammates, and you have many rivals. Lee, you have a competitive impulse. A desire to be the best. You can't let that control your life.

Lee: I understand.

Ellie: Lee, there's one other thing you need to know.

Lee: Yes?

Ellie: It's about your relationship with Gai-sensei.

Lee: Sensei and student, I swear!

Ellie: No…there's something else…

Lee: W-What?

Ellie: Lee…you are Gai-sensei's SON.

Lee: …

Ellie: Lee?

Lee: . . .

Ellie: Lee?

Lee: …Gai-sensei…is my…father? (faints)

Ellie: (sighs) Roy! Sousuke!

(Roy and Sousuke come in)

Roy: Yes?

Sousuke: You called, Ellie-sama?

Ellie: (waves a hand at Lee) Take him to the hospital, please. He fainted.

(Roy and Sousuke carry Lee out)

Ellie: (sighs, lays my head down on the desk) Kaname!

(Kaname walks in, puts a bottle of wine down)

Ellie: You're the best, Kaname. (starts drinking the wine)

(Kaname walks out of the room, shaking her head)

Ellie: (in a drunken stupor onto my desk, totally out of it)

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There you go, people! The end of my latest chapter! Sorry it took so long! I've been REALLY busy with school and vacation! Hope you liked it! R&R! I 3 E you all!

_~ellie216_


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